I'm a college kid now!
Friday, August 24, 2012
I leave for college tomorrow. I'm feeling sad. I cried when I said goodbye to my best friend, Josh. My girlfriend came over and cried a lot and we sobbed together and I think it's going to be okay. People are leaving and I feel like I need to leave. And I don't know why the universe decided to sell our house the day before I leave. My mom hurriedly looked at and made an offer on a house that was accepted today and the inspectors came and said our house gets the okay. My mom and brother have to leave by the 26th of September and she said she would do all of my packing for me. So not only is this the last night in my own bed in my hometown, but also probably the last night in this house that we've lived in for five years. And I just found out today and I'm trying to process and I am just leaving stuff on the floor for my mom to pick up after I leave because I am so overwhelmed.
Wednesday, August 1, 2012
I've been needing to tell this to my blogger family for a while and I kept waiting for the right moment, but there's just no way to segue into this. I had this post ready to go for when everybody gets back from Seattle, but everything has changed in a week and I just need you guys and now you’re home.
I'm about to go to college and I'll be in a much more open minded environment than where I'm coming from, so I'm really excited to be able to express myself in new ways. At the same time, that's nerve wracking because I have been keeping big parts of myself hidden deep down using the conservative small town as a mask for me just being scared. Too scared to even tell the most accepting group of people that I know and haven't even met.
So really, what the deal is with me here is that I have a girlfriend- as in I am dating a girl in a very loving and committed *secret* relationship. I don't know if I am bisexual or a lesbian, but I do exclusively feel attracted to humans, so I'd prefer not to label myself any more than that because I'm just not sure. But I love this girl. We've been dating for more than eight months now and aside from the blogger family people that I've told, about six irl friends (including my mom) knew about us until recently (see paragraph below). We have a very strong relationship because a lot of the time, we're the only people we have and that sucks, but it also builds a trust that I’ve never had before. We are open about so much because we're both growing in our beliefs morally and spiritually and socially and we're growing together, which I love. We have gone through so much pain this year because we're hiding our relationship and because of the backlash from that. I made a post early on last semester about my friends being bitches and essentially, I lost three of my best friends because one of them told the other two that I was a lesbian and that I'm dating my girlfriend (true facts, folks) but the catch is that none of them bothered to ask me, so they just said horribly rude, inappropriate, and beyond hurtful things behind my back. And several of my girlfriend's friends joined in on that gossip and we have both been trying to cope. I started going to therapy after spring break solely to deal with that situation. The two of us have made several good friends during this process, but it was still really indescribably beyond hurtful that my best friends didn't say goodbye to me at graduation and that they betrayed my trust in the worst way and that I didn't get to tell them about this happy thing in my life the way I wanted to, instead they hypocritically gossiped about me and made me feel like shit because I'm dating someone that I care about and didn't let them have a say.
The reason it's been so super secret is because we have been trying so hard to keep her conservative parents from finding out. Somehow last weekend, they found out. I was on my way to San Antonio and she called me in the car sobbing to tell me that her parents somehow know that we’re in a relationship and that they’re “devastated”. We don’t know how they found out or what they know really, but it’s just horrible. This is the event that we have been trying to prevent since before we even started dating and it happened without any warning and there was nothing we could do. They just said “we know for a fact that you’re in a romantic relationship with Maggie” and my girlfriend just cried and her parents cried. They still love her, which is something to be relieved about, but their relationship is so different because they really think she’s going to hell. I can’t help but feeling guilty. Since then, I’ve been allowed to see her, which we didn’t think would really happen. So, some things went better than expected, but my girl is having a hard time with her whole family. Things are weird and awkward and her dad told her that he is “really grieving”. For a few days, her mom hardly looked at her and it was heartbreaking. Her biggest fear is disappointing her family and it’s hard to think that they aren’t disappointed. It’s hard to hear her say things like “nobody deserves to have a queer daughter” when I know that’s not true and a big part of why she’s saying that is because of her parents’ beliefs and reaction to this situation. She just really needs her parents’ and her brother’s love and support and acceptance and as they’re trying to deal with this news, she’s feeling more alone than ever and it’s hard on both of us. On top of this, I felt a huge pressure to tell my dad and brother when I was totally not ready- not that that’s ever easy. They both pretty much knew, but telling my dad was the hardest thing I have had to do. Now that all of our families know, I’m hoping that with time, things will look up and we can stop living under the stress of keeping this relationship hidden.
Needless to say, this has been a difficult year- the hardest I've had to go through by far. I've got my girlfriend and my mom and now my dad and brother and the other couple of people who know and who I can trust, but it is still a lonely road a lot of the time. So I feel a huge weight being lifted off of my shoulders by telling you guys and I really hope (and strongly believe) that I won't change in any of your eyes. I'm glad I'm part of this family and I know that I can trust you all and know where to turn when things get rough. Love to everyone, Maggie