MasQUEERade and healing

I was so excited for the second chance prom on Saturday to make up for the terrible, terrible senior prom I had. No, this prom wasn't perfect or everything that I wanted from my real prom, but I made an important realization- I am finally the person I wanted to be this time last year. I was in a difficult situation last year around prom time, but I made it even more miserable for myself. This time I danced like an idiot and realized that that's what I was really missing out on. 

At 9, a friend came over and helped me pick out an outfit and helped me curl and pin my hair up and do this really fantastic glittery makeup

There were rhinestones involved. I felt so badass. 

Then I went to the dance with my friend, Cesar, and we met up and danced with some other friends of ours and some people I didn't know. It's okay because one of the guys called me a "badass bitch in charge," so I am a fan. Anyway, we danced for two hours and the music was awesome and we all scream-sang to Thrift Shop and it was perfect. 

I was looking at the music with my friend and there was this other girl looking at it and I introduced myself to her because I had seen her before. Then I got them to play Wannabe and I asked this girl, Steph, to dance and I was so awkward *facepalm* but later I told her my last name and she added me on Facebook. 

Yay, so the dance was really great and I just danced like I haven't danced in a really long time and I'm glad I went. 

Then yesterday, I called my ex and we talked about a lot of things that we had been needing to talk about for most of our relationship. It was sad and I just sat on the roof and sobbed for a lot of the call, but I finally feel solid about where we are and our future. I feel like I can move on now and have closure, so that is a great feeling. 

And today, Steph and I went to get coffee and talked for two hours and it was reallly awesome and she is so cute and I don't even know what to do with myself. So, that's a good sign. 

for more crush gushing, check out my twitter @maggiecat19

Right in the feels

There are four more school days until spring break and it feels like six months of work between now and then. I'm overwhelmed and overworked and too tired. My ex texted me last night and I have finally reached the anger stage of my post breakup grieving period. I'm so angry. She's so much more beautiful than when we were dating and she's over me and I'm not over her and all I want to say to her or anyone is fuck you. Yeah, I broke up with her, and now I'm gonna be mad about it. I'm angry because I feel like I'm losing, in love, in friendship, in life. There's so much there right below the surface and I need a fucking break. I don't know how I got here, but there's a thin line between sad and lonely, and deeply bitter. 

“Do you think anger is a sincere emotion or the timid motion of a fragile heart trying to beat away its pain?”  -Andrea Gibson

Some songs: We Used to Wait • Heartbeat • Shout

Whatever

Obviously regular blogging is not my forte, but I wanted to let you guys (the blogger family) in on some things in my life. I was inspired by Natalie, so here is a list:

• My mom is getting married in May
• My dad is selling his house (soon?)
• I'm playing Quidditch now and I suck so much but it's still really fun
• I had a birthday
• I cracked my iPhone screen into lots of pieces so that I would have a use for my birthday money
• I saw a guy on tumblr get the Taco Bell "Live Mas" motto tattooed on his arm

And now the heavy stuff. My girlfriend and I have been broken up for just over two weeks and it continues to be a roller coaster of emotion every single day. I was getting to the point where I liked where we were and I liked texting every couple of days, but we talked on the phone for the first time in two weeks and ended up crying. Every time a conversation lasts too long, we break up all over again and it's killing me. I broke up with her so that I could enjoy my time at college and figure out some important things about myself (especially inevitably changing my major) and I was doing okay with that at first. But this being friends to not speaking to being somewhere in the grey thing is really getting too hard on me. I called my mom after that phone call and said that I didn't feel like I had made the right choice and that I should take her back, but I'm still single. I have to move on to heal, but I want to be with her and it's hard to know that the things that I want to change about our relationship won't change. I can't fold a map and bring her closer to me and I can't make her parents accept who she is and who I am. I love her with my whole heart, but I know I did this and she makes sure that I know that. I don't want to lose my best friend and even though it's temporary in my mind and I do believe that I'll want to be with her in the future, right now I have to let go completely and I am just having a hard time.

When I can step out of my sadness for a moment, there are things I want to do to be a better person. Say yes more often. Read books. Take care of myself. Make new friends. Take risks. Be alright without another person. So I'm taking deep breaths and small steps. 

P.S. If you haven't seen this video, it was truly touching. 

Almost home

I'm ready to go back to my house and my family and my girl. I'm ready to sleep and eat and watch Adventure Time. Arabic is hard and there's a lot of homework and a lot of breakdowns have been had. Kul shay' min assaab. I'm just talking to my girlfriend and rolling around and listening to Le Loup and watching movies about winter and things.

Homecoming

I should've gone home for my high school homecoming. My girlfriend won homecoming queen and I had to hold back tears when my mom told me because I am so so sad that I wasn't there. I'm so proud of her and I know that she deserves it more than anyone ever in the world, and so many wonderful things happened to her tonight and everyone is just so proud and loving. And I wish I could've been there to hug her and cry because she's so beautiful and I wish that I could say "EVERYBODY, SHE'S MY GIRLFRIEND" and I just love her so much and I don't know what to do. I love her and this distance is killing me because I don't want to miss a thing. And I just need a hug.

Keep moving forward

I got an email from my academic advisor saying it's time to make appointments to be advised on classes for next semester, so shit. I went to a meeting about this interdisciplinary program that will let me get a certificate and take some cool classes, so I'm trying to decide if I want to do the conflict resolution branch or the human rights and social justice branch. But then for funnies, I decided to look at non profits and various organizations that I may want to intern for in college and I feel very frustrated because none of them are exactly what I want. I don't know what I want. But three hours ago, I had some idea of what I wanted- that if I apply to the human rights and social justice branch that I am definitely decided on, I will have all the skills I need to be a valuable participant of the human rights organization that is perfect for me. Now, I feel lost. I know that I don't have to know right now, but I want to get started. I really just want to work at Disney World and travel and not do anything.

If anyone has any suggestions of cool organizations, that would be awesome. If anyone can direct my life goals, also appreciated.

First week of college in pictures

I'm a college kid now!