Wednesday, August 1, 2012

Important Post


     I've been needing to tell this to my blogger family for a while and I kept waiting for the right moment, but there's just no way to segue into this. I had this post ready to go for when everybody gets back from Seattle, but everything has changed in a week and I just need you guys and now you’re home. 

     I'm about to go to college and I'll be in a much more open minded environment than where I'm coming from, so I'm really excited to be able to express myself in new ways. At the same time, that's nerve wracking because I have been keeping big parts of myself hidden deep down using the conservative small town as a mask for me just being scared. Too scared to even tell the most accepting group of people that I know and haven't even met.

     So really, what the deal is with me here is that I have a girlfriend- as in I am dating a girl in a very loving and committed *secret* relationship. I don't know if I am bisexual or a lesbian, but I do exclusively feel attracted to humans, so I'd prefer not to label myself any more than that because I'm just not sure. But I love this girl. We've been dating for more than eight months now and aside from the blogger family people that I've told, about six irl friends (including my mom) knew about us until recently (see paragraph below). We have a very strong relationship because a lot of the time, we're the only people we have and that sucks, but it also builds a trust that I’ve never had before. We are open about so much because we're both growing in our beliefs morally and spiritually and socially and we're growing together, which I love. We have gone through so much pain this year because we're hiding our relationship and because of the backlash from that. I made a post early on last semester about my friends being bitches and essentially, I lost three of my best friends because one of them told the other two that I was a lesbian and that I'm dating my girlfriend (true facts, folks) but the catch is that none of them bothered to ask me, so they just said horribly rude, inappropriate, and beyond hurtful things behind my back. And several of my girlfriend's friends joined in on that gossip and we have both been trying to cope. I started going to therapy after spring break solely to deal with that situation. The two of us have made several good friends during this process, but it was still really indescribably beyond hurtful that my best friends didn't say goodbye to me at graduation and that they betrayed my trust in the worst way and that I didn't get to tell them about this happy thing in my life the way I wanted to, instead they hypocritically gossiped about me and made me feel like shit because I'm dating someone that I care about and didn't let them have a say. 

     The reason it's been so super secret is because we have been trying so hard to keep her conservative parents from finding out. Somehow last weekend, they found out. I was on my way to San Antonio and she called me in the car sobbing to tell me that her parents somehow know that we’re in a relationship and that they’re “devastated”. We don’t know how they found out or what they know really, but it’s just horrible. This is the event that we have been trying to prevent since before we even started dating and it happened without any warning and there was nothing we could do. They just said “we know for a fact that you’re in a romantic relationship with Maggie” and my girlfriend just cried and her parents cried. They still love her, which is something to be relieved about, but their relationship is so different because they really think she’s going to hell. I can’t help but feeling guilty. Since then, I’ve been allowed to see her, which we didn’t think would really happen. So, some things went better than expected, but my girl is having a hard time with her whole family. Things are weird and awkward and her dad told her that he is “really grieving”. For a few days, her mom hardly looked at her and it was heartbreaking. Her biggest fear is disappointing her family and it’s hard to think that they aren’t disappointed. It’s hard to hear her say things like “nobody deserves to have a queer daughter” when I know that’s not true and a big part of why she’s saying that is because of her parents’ beliefs and reaction to this situation. She just really needs her parents’ and her brother’s love and support and acceptance and as they’re trying to deal with this news, she’s feeling more alone than ever and it’s hard on both of us. On top of this, I felt a huge pressure to tell my dad and brother when I was totally not ready- not that that’s ever easy. They both pretty much knew, but telling my dad was the hardest thing I have had to do. Now that all of our families know, I’m hoping that with time, things will look up and we can stop living under the stress of keeping this relationship hidden.       

     Needless to say, this has been a difficult year- the hardest I've had to go through by far. I've got my girlfriend and my mom and now my dad and brother and the other couple of people who know and who I can trust, but it is still a lonely road a lot of the time. So I feel a huge weight being lifted off of my shoulders by telling you guys and I really hope (and strongly believe) that I won't change in any of your eyes. I'm glad I'm part of this family and I know that I can trust you all and know where to turn when things get rough. Love to everyone, Maggie

8 comments:

  1. I am literally tearing up right now! I know just from reading this that you are such a compassionate and strong woman. You should be very proud of yourself, and your girlfriend, for staying true to yourselves despite the (completely ridiculous and intolerant) comments from those you deeply want to be a part of your happiness. I come from a very conservative town too, so I know how hard it can be to be 100% yourself in that kind of environment. This is why I am SO excited for you to go to college. It seems like I learn one of my friends is gay or bi every other day--it's just not a big deal once you get out of that bubble.

    Wishing you the very best, and much love to you and your girlfriend!

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  2. I'm sorry that you two had to keep your relationship a secret, but hopefully her parents will come to accept your relationship.
    you're amazing, and I hope everything goes well for you two, also I bet y'all are cute as hell.
    <3 love love.

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  3. I do believe that things will get increasingly better. I am so, so proud of you and your girlfriend for pushing through the obstacles and making it work, especially when most people couldn't. I come from a city that is 95% Republican (literally), and while I do not understand what it is like to be the subject of their disapproval, I can only imagine what it must be like to hide a relationship that is so important to you, just so that you're accepted by society. Hopefully this is a blessing in disguise. Hopefully her family learns to understand. I hope that they will.

    Again, I am so, so proud of you. <3

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  4. I can't imagine how difficult it must be to have to keep your relationship with someone you care about a secret for so long, and it pains me to read that your girlfriend's parents are saying that they're "grieving" over this. Sigh... I really hope that they can see past their beliefs and accept their daughter and the two of you together, because you both deserve that so much.

    We all love and support you. :)

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  5. My comment was way too long so I sent you a Facebook message. <3

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  6. I wrote a comment and it disappeared. Boo :( Anyways, I am so proud of you and very sorry that you have been having a tough year. I am happy that you are in a loving relationship with a great lady and would love to hear more about her. If you ever need to talk, vent or anything please don't hesitate to talk to me. I am glad that your family accepts and loves you and saddened that your girlfriends parents do not. Lots of love <3

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  7. Girl, you are so strong. I'm sad that her family doesn't understand, but I do think that it's a good sign that they didn't disown her or kick her out of the house or anything. I think that it shows that if perhaps they got used to the idea of her being in a relationship with you, everything would be okay.

    For people in Texas, homosexuality is the hardest thing to understand, especially if they are super religious. My heart goes out to you two.

    Stay strong.

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  8. Sometimes people can be really awful. I know it's not a direct parallel, but I got a lot of shit growing up for being Jewish, and I understand it must be hard right now.

    That being said, be strong and stand tall. I know it sounds hard, but please don't stop trying to weather the storm.

    "Never forget what you are - the rest of the world will not. Wear it like armor, and it can never be used to hurt you."

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