Sunday, July 8, 2012

They say this summer is the longest

I wrote this post two Mondays ago and I was so upset and overwhelmed and it was a bad time. I didn't edit this, but I also didn't feel like posting it at the time. Anyway, here we go. 

I finally got a job (a second job at that) and I thought that would fix everything, but I just feel overwhelmed. It's my dad's vacation this week and I'm working and volunteering and I won't be able to make my dance class because I have other stuff going on and I feel like I won't have anytime with him. I bend over backwards to spend time with him, even if it's just going to the store, but when I can't do something, he's so passive aggressive. He pushed it on me that we aren't doing anything fun this week- that I didn't want to. No, Dad, you just played fucking World of Tanks instead of getting your shit together to plan a vacation. My best friend leaves for two weeks in Ecuador next week and I want to spend time with her this week, but I realized that the whole summer shrunk in my hand and it's not that I want to spend time with her before she leaves, I want to spend time with her before I move away. There's not enough time. I can't do everything and be everywhere with everyone and it's tearing me apart to choose. I can't prioritize people that I care about like this. Whoever said the summer after senior year is the longest summer of a person's life was dead wrong.


I wish that I would've worked out more of the emotional process of leaving when I graduated because I let it sit and now it's surfacing in exhausting emotional spasms. My therapist took a new job at the end of the school year and I figured it would all get easier and I would be able to handle it on my own, but I am drowning. My emotional policy is to just leave the baggage and keep going, but I've hit a road block. Truth is, this was the hardest school year, no, hardest year of my life. Three of my best friends for my high school career left me on graduation day without saying goodbye or anything at all. They turned against me and said heartless and hurtful things for their own egos and I have never felt so isolated. I made new friends out of that, yes, but it was one of the hardest experiences I've had to go through and one that I battled all semester. I thought I would be so happy to leave that all behind, but it's still with me, adding onto the baggage that I'm sorting through. The people that I hate, the people that I love. I've dreamed ever since I remember that I would just leave everything- drop what I was doing and sell all my stuff and just get on the next plane to anywhere without telling anyone. I would call the people I love from pay phones in European countries or write them a postcard. I realize now that I've been dreaming that for so long because that's the one thing I can't do. I like I can't free my mind from the things I've been through and my fears and the people I hold so tightly to. I can't let go.  

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